KAMPALA – Many ladies and gentlemen out there will be attracted to each other in an exciting and powerful can’t-eat-can’t-sleep kind of way.
I know of many who have confessed that if they made eye contact with their so-called lovers, they would get a rush throughout their bodies that would make their cheeks flush and knees buckle.
And Sarah confessed that “With every text message he sent me, I would get a flutter of excitement in my stomach,”
Below the age of 18 years, Girls and boys assume the intensity of these feelings is a good sign and they term it as the early stages of falling in love.
Only a few years later, they realise that they were just completely infatuated with this guy and that those intense feelings had a lot more to do with just lust and not Love.
In life, I have heard these statements emerge from supposedly good relationships; my friend keeps following me up wherever I go, she even asks my close associates whether there is someone else I love besides her, I am being nagged etc.
Those who stay together for long by good luck, their relationship is punctuated by suspicion, a lot of nagging, loss of friends, protectiveness, change of trait from formerly extrovert to the introvert in order to please a partner who thinks everyone you talk to is likely to hook you.
She will confess “I love you so much that I want to be with you all the time, I don’t want to share you with anybody else and please leave all those girls out there, they are in for your money,”
If you are the type that is taken up easily by these statements, there are a few things that you probably need to find out from your relationship and then be able to draw a line between Love and Lust.
Maybe you need to question your partner to find out whether true love means protectiveness, envy, suspicion and resentment.
Although many couples think by being jealousy, they show great love for their spouses, I am different because I see Jealousy as envy, covetousness, resentment, protectiveness, suspicion and distrust.
Edwin Louis in his book ‘Maximized manhood’ says today’s generation does not understand love let alone differentiate it from Lust and adds that it is in relationships that are operating under such a situation where jealousy strives- “Jealousy strives most at the lowest level of love” he adds.
Louis says modern age mistakes lust for love; it relegates love to a glandular function, a reaction to the angle of a neckline or height of a skirt.
He urges that Lust is based on satisfying self at the expense of your partner. It is a pre-occupation with what the self wants; this is the satisfaction or gratification of the flesh.
This means that lust wants to get and is selfish. Love gives and lust gets. The entire direction of life differs between the two.
According to this book, extreme jealousy is a manifestation of lust in a relationship. I am not saying that you are under lust in your relationship out there but if there is jealousy, check out, I might be right.
Jealousy is a common thing in a relationship. Most of the people find it fascinating to deny it. It can happen to anybody. You cannot deny that when your partner is ogling at someone you don’t feel jealous. It is natural.
Lust is about a physical connection, Love is about emotional connection
Dr Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of The Empathy of survival guide says that “Lust feels like you intensely want to have sex with someone. Love feels like you want to have sex with someone and be emotionally close to them, too.
He adds that Love means you want to spend time with your partner and listen to his or her needs and emotions to feel connected. You also are interested in meeting your beloved’s friends.
“And Lust means you’re more interested in having sex than having intimate conversations or meeting the person’s friends,” adds Dr Orloff.
Dr. Laura Vaz a renowned psychologist, however, says relationships that are in true love are such that your partner does not mind you admiring another guy. She says relationships should mean openness, transparency and Trust.
She adds that Jealousy is always in the initial stages of a relationship when you are more possessive and feel insecure and hence feel jealous. If you are in Jealousy, better find out your stage of love and quit such a relationship.
Love, especially romantic love, is something that you just know you have. You cannot intellectually analyse it in terms of how much or why. If every time you tell your boyfriend you love him you wonder whether it is true, then perhaps you do not really love him as much as you imply or as much as you should. And probably your boyfriend is right when he thinks that he loves you more than you love him.
Laura says that there are different levels of love and that not everyone is capable of the highest level. Most humans however she says are capable of achieving a fairly high level of loving in their lifetime.
She says at the lowest level of a relationship, there is a kind of ‘selfish’ love wherein, I love you because you give me or do for me something that I need this means that those who are jealousy are in the protection of selfish interests but not the love.
A person who is truly in love will be able to remember that it is extremely important to be there for the person you love in bad times, difficulties and hardships but a person who is in lust will only be there when there is a selfish need to satisfy.
The differences between Lust and Love
-Lust is about a physical connection. Love is about an emotional connection.
-Lust is impulsive. Love takes time.
-Lust skims the surface. Love goes deeper.
-Lust is short and sudden. Love is slow and steady.
-Love increases with time. Lust decreases with time.
-Lust is about you. Love is about them.